If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
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We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner