if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
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If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want
Phonetics
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???