if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
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The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.