If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
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“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Lmfaoooooo
LOL
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist