If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
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[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
broke down and did it
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
🍛
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads