If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
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“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6