If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
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Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
💀🤣
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.