If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
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Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!