Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that

*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.

Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying

Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.

*having an ultrasound*

dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..

patient: omg what!?

dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.

patient: intruder?

dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU

nurse: umm i think she is having twins?

dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.

My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.

😅🤣😂

candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed

[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”

After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.

Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.

I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway

Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.

My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.

Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.

Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?

My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.

Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…

*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*

GUY: HA! You flinched

ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-

GUY: *actually punches me*

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*

GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!

Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.

The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work

My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

Me: *buys anything at the store*

Wife: Was it on sale?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use a coupon?

Me: Yes.

Wife: Did you use your discount card?

Me: Oops.

Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.

[interviewing Matt Damon]

Matt: Well, in this movie I play-

Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.