If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
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every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
I will never stop laughing at this
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
When you don’t understand how floors work
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars