If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
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Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Found this absolute gem on the floor at work???
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
Great Canadian literature.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”