If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
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Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️