Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”

My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.

[first day as a waiter]

customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??

me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it

The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.

My astrological sign is KFC gravy

I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.

Cashier: the receipt is in the bag

Me: you too

I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.

Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.

“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”

*walks down street*

*panties drop left and right*

*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*

*picks up panties*

*continues home*

The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.

just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears

Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

[Dies]

Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.

Me: Dammit

8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?

Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years

WHAT SIGN IS SHE

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!

15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.

Me: ……sooo handsome though..

The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.

trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive

Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.

I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.

I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.

“What?”
– Jude

I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”

Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal

Wife: intercourse?

Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think

The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M