If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
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When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.