If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
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7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.
Girls Just Want To Have Naan