If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
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My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
When I face a minor setback
Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development