If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
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Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Me: time to be better with my finances
Them: you could stop buying things
Me: not like that
Reporter: *ports again*
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September