Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

happy mother’s day❤️

My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.

We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…

And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real

shazam but for random noises outside

hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal

[during sex]

her: do you want to try a new position?

me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles

her: what

me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors

her: stop

*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

How to wake up a Beagle

[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*

Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.

I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.

I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.

1. My wife’s name

2. How to make a shank from a phone charger

3. I need Twitter

*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen

*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot

*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT

My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.

I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.

🤣

Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm

One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.

When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can

sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings

*putting a top hat on my dog*

Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.

rise and shine we got egg

My husband never answers the phone when I need him!

When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.

SEND HELP!