If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
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If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Straight people are cancelled
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.