If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
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Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
I beg you to euthanise me
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.