Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.

Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?

Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?

Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa

Me: I’m a vegan

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things

Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]

If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*

Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.

[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]

Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*

ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?

It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.

I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.

Weather app: The dew point is 20.

Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.

I think this might be relevant today.

sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”

ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough

I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does

I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.

I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.

Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…

Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.

Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while

[garden]

tomato plant: how’s your summer?

pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year

tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-

ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.

We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.

Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.

riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go