If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
You Might Also Like
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
when someone rings the doorbell
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I’m awake but I object,
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.