If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
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Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no