If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
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friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]
Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.
6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants