If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
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This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.