@poizngrl

If you are looking for a bad girl, I have been known to shop at the art supply store on days they aren’t having a sale…

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@MickyMax6

Eat anything u want.

If people make fun of ur size… Eat them too

@AnkCoupleTO

Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody

@wickedimproper

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

@stevevsninjas

Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*

@girlontapas

I’m not saying that I don’t like him…

But I hope he wakes up out of coffee and finds out that his phone updated and all of the apps he uses want him to re-enter his login and password.

@Smooheed

Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth

@DaddyJew

Jesus: *turns water into wine*

Me: nice

Me: *turns a steak into a cheesesteak*

Jesus: *whispering under his breath* holy shit

@KristinHalbrook

Advice for all girls: You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. But you catch the most flies with corpses.

@AndyAsAdjective

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me