detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
You Might Also Like
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.