If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
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I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
The most accurate map ever devised.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.