If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
You Might Also Like
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
When does CPR become necrophilia?
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea