Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.

I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅

Him: I think we should see other people

Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why

Her: baby I’m so wet

Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.

You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.

My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.

“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”

Aliens: WHAT

Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.

“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games

[ Quarantine week 2 ]

We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.

Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination

I’m in a really bad place right now*

*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”

18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”

28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”

Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol

~App developers probably

My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

WWE is French for “yes”

my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.

banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball

We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder

Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?

And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.

The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…

M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.

H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.

M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.