Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:

You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay

My biggest fears are:

-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running

When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…

Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean

– me, as a gynecologist

I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK

Wife: I’m leaving

Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together

Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart

Me: ooh get chocolate

Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”

When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

007: the name’s bond…james bond

me: nice to meet you bond james bond

007: just james bond

me: bond just james bond

007: no my full name is just james bond

me: nice to meet you just james bond

007: you know i can legally kill you

me: no, never met him

007: *draws weapon*

*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.

[touring our solar system]

alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?

guide: all but one

alien: what’s better than gods?

guide: *checks notes* dirt

Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins

Wife: No you didn’t

Dog: Ruff

Me: See, wrath!

Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to

Dog: Gluttony

Wife: Holy shit

don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry

– me taking a joke

gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD

A NEW year? In this economy??? I’m settling for a certified pre-owned.

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.

I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it

“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.

My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.

I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.

The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.

*sprains wrist doing sports

“MY NACHO HAND!”