If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
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“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?