Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

also my go-to takeaway order

I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.

Her: Tell me what you want

Me: A burrito

Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed

Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.

My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.

My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs

As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.

Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’

Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’

I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden

Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.

I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.

My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.

Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM

Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little

No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.

Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..

If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.

✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨

A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?

SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?

SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?

The most shocking part of Luigi’s manifesto is when he says he’s not the most qualified person to lay out the problems with the healthcare system. I’ve never heard a man describe himself as unqualified for anything.

Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure

I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.

*checks kid’s backpack*

*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*

*zips backpack and walks away*

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out