Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
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[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
That earthquake could have been an email.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.