If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
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Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
My spirit animal is fried chicken
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”