If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
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Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Not today. 😅
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.