If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
You Might Also Like
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.