If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
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A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind