Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts on workout clothes*

*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*

People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up

Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.

I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.

A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing

Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.

all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”

If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life

(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?

(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school

Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.

*me to my dog.

May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:

So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”

Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?

All of retail: No.

Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey

When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.

5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.

Me: What???

5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.

Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.

What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!

⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.

“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.

Rey: Like what?

Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.

INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.

TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?

My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?

[product pitch meeting]

BOSS: ok what have you come up with

ME: a turbo walker for seniors

BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up

ME [proudly]: with these roller skates

How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die

Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.

For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.