If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
You Might Also Like
birds and squirrels envy us
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.