Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.

I work from home and tend towards introvert

Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?

Me: Saturday!

Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?

Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out

Me: When a door closes a window opens.

All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.

I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…

If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!

Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do

Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done

Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon

The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

Receptionist: the doctor can see you now

invisible man who’s also blind: who said that

receptionist: who said that

My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.

I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line

Them: I’ll be right back

Me: That’s not necessary

Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.

Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

[NASCAR Press Conference]

REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?

DRIVER: Fast circles

Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe

You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.

I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae

Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*

*forgets what they’re called*

I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.

Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic

[3 months later]

Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time