Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.

A curse:

May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.

I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it

Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.

6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?

Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.

6: To where?

Me: It just disappeared

6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?

What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.

I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.

If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.

the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope

MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on

ME: *visibly ages*

I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.

If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.

This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.

WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right

“HULK WANT LOAN.”

Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”

“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”

Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY

-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.

Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!

-Amish drive by

interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

me: i’m a slow learner

interviewer: well…that’s not good

me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to

Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.

I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.

Cop: And yet, here we are…

“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.

Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.

Me: Oh, because of the virus?

Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.

“Don’t ask.”

– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask

Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.