Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!

It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.

when someone compliments me

If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.

Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.

You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.

But it was nice of you.

Me trying to look natural in photos

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store

[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers

“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….

I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism

Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”

I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!

what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look

I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice

Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.

Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]

When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.

The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??

Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands

I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.

If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”

I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.

This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret

Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.

Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.

On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?

Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch

Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?

I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.