Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!

David Attenborough, the confusing early years

A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.

People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”

I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.

Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”

If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot

Three men are on a boat

They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So?

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

4: Mummy, I know how old you are.

Me: OK.

4: Has it got an 8 in it?

Me: Yes! Well done.

4: Is it 8 and then 0?

Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.

“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”

Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?

HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.

ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos

When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.

*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*

I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.

I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.

Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.

Men love me.
Germs fear me.

Or vice versa, whatever

I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.

my gf left me cuz I’m insecure

nvm she’s back she went pee

I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded

blocking someone isn’t enough i want them to be forced to drink orange juice after brushing their teeth

Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.