If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
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An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”