If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
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Lmao
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
my mom making me talk to relatives
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
I’m giving up for Lent.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.