Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.

If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.

TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.

cellmate: how did you get here

me: i took the train

cellmate: no i mean what did you do

me: i just told you

is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?

-first day at work, orientation question

Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.

Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.

me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand

Interviewer: What makes you unique?

Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.

I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.

On my tombstone:

She died still despising
deconstructed food

I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.

I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.

He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.

Now, he’s worth $190 billion.

The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.

Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.

Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*

DC: Which room will you be working out in?

Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.

Do emojis hide????

I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?

(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)

didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.

*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.

*forgets her own toothbrush.

An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination

It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.

The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.

1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.

[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry

I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.

Happy thanksgiving

8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me