If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
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WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.