Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?

Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th

I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.

Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.

wife: i wish you’d moan during sex

[later, whilst doing the sex]

me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.

*waiter pouring wine*

Say when sir

*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*

Went to the spa* this morning!

*Opened my dishwasher during the drying cycle

“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design

When’s dinner?

-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.

Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?

I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.

BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala

Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.

I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.

I’m not lazy

dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy

me: ok got it

[later]

her: hi i’m carol

me: u look like shit

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.

I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.

Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…

Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.