If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
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Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.