If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
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I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
SONOFA
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes