Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth

You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!

Canadian Oneupmanship

my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.

To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level

ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke

CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s

ME:

CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here

my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.

what if cobwebs were delicious?

– cotton candy inventor

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad

Overheard on the bus:

“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”

3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall

Me: oh dear god

Me: I’ve learned so much from my mistakes.
Also me: Let’s make a few more

That’s commitment

Take your age and add 5 years to it.

That is your age in 5 years.

When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower

Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.

Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future

What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013

Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”

Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here

Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.

Motives for murder:

1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring

Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.

Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?