Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet

I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?

The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.

I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.

~ Me, flirting

Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.

I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.

The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing

I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.

I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.

Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science

Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.

I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.

A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.

Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”

I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I work with animals

Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun

“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder

Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!

“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.

I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!

I’M STARVING!

-Me, on a Tuesday

COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.

ME: *sends resume*

COMPANY: *no response*

Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”

Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”

Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”

“Are you mad at me?”

No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????

if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free

6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.

4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.

Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.

Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right

Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.

Girl: I like good boys

Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*

sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind