If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
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Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
Fights fire with marshmallows
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af
tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.