Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.

PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people

Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.

Me: Which cup do you want?

2-year-old: That one!

Me: Let’s pick a different one.

2-year-old: No!

*drinks milk from a shot glass*

[divorce court]

her: he was unfaithful

him: thats a lie!

judge: do you have proof?

her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me

him: judge, thats not being unfa-

judge: shut your cheating mouth!

Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.

Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.

As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”

covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.

Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition

For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.

You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!

Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.

Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.

Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house

Her: great, you can teach him to drive

Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*

CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way

me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.

Would make a brilliant taxi driver

You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.

47 years ago today, Soap debuted.

We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.

This scene. 😂😂😂

*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.

If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi

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someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??

Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes