Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever

My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.

Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.

As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

“I’m tired.”

– Beat Cop

People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

I only sing in the car when it’s in reverse. I’m a backup singer

Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.

And that’s just in one mall.

My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling

Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.

“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.

You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button

–cats

mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?

“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.

I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.

ㅤ

You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.

Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.

“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”

– inventor of the sauna

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.

Sitting here eating blueberries

wondering if my brain is improving

Doubt it…..

took too long to spell doubt

my professor scared me for a second

What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house

A spoo-key.

Went in my local the other day, new barman very smiley and chatty I ordered a pint and a vodka tonic for my wife, he smiled and asked ‘single?’ I replied sorry mate I’m married, he said I meant double or single vodka pal. Got to find a new local.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

first time at Hobby Lobby:

hello I’d like one hobby please

online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.