If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
You Might Also Like
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
i’m gonna allow it
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby