if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
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When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Dead sexy!!
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Danger is very dangerous
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.