If you are what you eat, then my dog is a calculator.

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*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*sips scalding coffee

“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”

*walks outside


Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]


I don’t want a Hot Pocket. I’d rather have a pocket with a nice sense of humor & a pleasant personality.


Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.

Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…


[toon world police department]

Chief of police: describe the explosive device?

Me: its like a bowling ball with a fizzy string

Chief of police: listen very carefully, i want you to lick your thumb and index finger


Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.


Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.


What do we want?


When do we want them?



Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?


“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.