@CelebrityChez

If you are what you eat, then my dog is a calculator.

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@UncleDuke1969

*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee

“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”

*walks outside
*screams

@briangaar

Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]

@robfee

I don’t want a Hot Pocket. I’d rather have a pocket with a nice sense of humor & a pleasant personality.

@bobsin

Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.

Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…

@sonictyrant

[toon world police department]

Chief of police: describe the explosive device?

Me: its like a bowling ball with a fizzy string

Chief of police: listen very carefully, i want you to lick your thumb and index finger

@3sunzzz

Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.

@SCbchbum

Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.

@okaymachado

What do we want?

MORE EXISTENTIALIST JOKES!

When do we want them?

WHY?

@patnspankme

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?

@Amburglar_

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.