The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
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We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
A man of commitment.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Doug is just Canadian for dog