If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
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me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
Me: Makes a Reddit post about my efforts to avoid arguing about politics with my parents over Thanksgiving.
Reddit users: Yeah, but you probably want to argue politics with strangers, right? Because I’m angry about the following things…
Nope, no thank you.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
The rainbow lorikeets outside my office explained that purchasing fancy new binoculars today to see birds better was probably unnecessary.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.