If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
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[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen