If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
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She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Smile they said.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.