Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors

Me: *screaming along to death-metal*

My child, who I forgot was in the car:

Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.

Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.

Veteran Parent Tip:

Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house

I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.

Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.

Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop

suspect: you mean bad cop?

interrogator: no

suspect: i confess.

computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up

Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.

My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.

Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.

buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life

KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!

ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?

KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.

Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]

me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something

Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.

Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.

If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.

***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people

I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..

What the hell is wrong with you?!

I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this

The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…

One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!

Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money

5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.