Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire

My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.

-Me, flirting.

cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen

: very

The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.

“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies

Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO

*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?

I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.

Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America

I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.

I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.

Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.

Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!

My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂

Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.

Trampoline: Hold my beer.

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*

[text from wife at home]

“Pick that up.”

waiting for my wife to approve my new year’s resolution of making independent decisions

[Commercial for ulcer medication]

“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”

Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?

Ladies,

When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.

[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]

How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?

[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.

My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.

Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.

Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.

Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.