Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at dry cleaners]

Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?

Owner: Yes

Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!

Me: *skips*

My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE

Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.

ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface

Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.

“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985

Sing it!

As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.

[Robot Uprising]

Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.

[first date]

Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?

Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals

I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.

My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”

Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”

Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.

ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose

PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance

Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok

I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…

Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up

I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.

Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!

-my baby

The second world war should have been called world war returns

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

FISHERMAN: Which one?