Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”

–Cats

People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue

[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet

I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”

if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins

here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos

I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1

You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.

I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so

When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.

I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.

I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES

Happy weekend !

*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*

I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”

My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.

Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*

FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.

After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.

Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.

It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.

Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.

People underestimate the Pacific.

Worth the read.

astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience

My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner