Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..

“Him?”

No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!

Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.

Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”

it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat

[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?

Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.

Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.

My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!

My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!

Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.

Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.

*Christmas with The Schrödingers

Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?

*His family smiles nervously at each other

“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son

One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.

[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”

Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.

Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.

The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen

sigh

I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night

Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.

Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.

Partner: One of us?

Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.

Her: you look great

My brain: say thank you

Anxiety: why does she hate me

Me: I have peanut butter in my hair

Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.

Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.

One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.

I think about that a lot.

Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.

Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist

Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”

M: Did NOT see that coming

It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim