If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
You Might Also Like
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
