If you aren’t imagining that there’s a little fireman inside you releasing a fire hydrant with one of them big wrenches when you pee, what are doing?
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him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
I’m not wrong
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.