if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
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“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
They’re stuck in your pants?
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied