Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?

Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”

I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.

Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …

You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.

Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”

passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?

jackfruit: oh nothing

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R

For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.

The police never think its as funny as you do.

[commercial for soup]

NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?

Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.

I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.

First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.

The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.

CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea

If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.

Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!

shit just got real

I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER