Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.

people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed

My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.

*working in hospital with med student*

me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals

med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals

me: no the crystals are in their urine

med student: oooh so like harming crystals

me: correct

Customer: do you sell {item}?

Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in

Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*

What I said: Brush your teeth!

What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.

My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.

Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit

Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?

Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.

“Am I the only one who-?”

There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

[reading online survey]

Are you ready to double your satisfaction?

My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.

*clicks yes*

It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

every time I roll over in the middle of the night

If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.

ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?

They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.

*first day as salsa dancer

“I’m not cleaning this up.”

Overheard:

The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.