if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
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[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean