If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
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don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Heroic Misunderstanding
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.