If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
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Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Me: I’m going to turn the fan with this screwdriver after you push that button, okay?
Friend: *reaching for button, pausing* Um, this won’t electrocute us both, right?
Me: Probably not.
Friend: PROBABLY?
Me: It’s an imperfect world. Now push the button, please.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Awesome parenting 😂
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool