Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Disney Pitch Meeting]

Writer: So kids love puppies

Exec: Haha true

Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them

Exec: First off, it’s perfect

Um … Hot Wings please

You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store

Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.

To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.

[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: I’m not psychic, Craig

cop: my name is Greg

me: I work at Starbucks

sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad

My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.

6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?

Me: Uh

6: Nevermind, Siri…

i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up

I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.

Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.

*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*

“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”

“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm

Me: That was fun! Fist me!

Him: What?!

Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*

Him: …..

I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.

We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.

A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…

Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.

*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!

Man: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: And, for your side?

M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.

You are what you eat?

*eats Natalie Portman*

Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.

ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]

WIFE: What are you training for?

ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking

Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table

5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!

*eats 3 fries*

5yo: Can I be done?

Dm: Hi

Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?

🙋‍♀️

My wife gives me the speaking treatment.

Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?

Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.

Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.