If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
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Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.